Maybe you're still looking for that special relationship. Hoping that person will soon appear. Wondering why they're not here now.
Maybe you're already in a relationship. And something just doesn’t feel right. Maybe you think it’s the other person's fault.
Is it possible that something is keeping you from opening up and trusting that it will work out fine? There could be many issues because relationships bring out the best and worst in us. We're going to explore some of these possibilities and what could be holding you back.
It's always good to start at the beginning to understand what the issue really is. Sometimes its knowing that there even is an issue. So how do we begin this exploration? As a scientist I was taught to use aspects of the scientific method. One of the main foundations of the scientific method is to not let your emotions or preconceived notions dictate how you explore or interpret what you find. Otherwise the results are already tainted and we will not find the truth.
Is it possible to even do that when examining our relationships? To proceed with such care and determination so that we can come out with a clear understanding of how to proceed?
As human beings we have to be aware that we all have preconceived notions. So, as we move forward, we will have to be very watchful of this. One of the main barriers is that we will have to contend with cognitive distance. We have to be okay with that. Or to put it more plainly cognitive is thinking and dissonance means conflict, which means you will discover that you might have two alternatives beliefs within you that are in disagreement, where you aren’t quite sure which one is correct, but you have to be able to hold both realities within you in order to devise a theory, your idea about what could be true. Which one seems accurate.
Remember in school you heard how most people used to believe that our earth was the center of the universe?
It’s easy to understand why they felt that way. Today when you look up in the sky, what do you see? You see the sun circling overhead as it rises in the east, moves across the sky, and sets in the west. How the stars do the same thing. Every day and night.
In the past, what would you believe when you saw everything overhead rotating across the sky? Naturally that the we are in the center of the universe. That was an observational fact. The problem is you just couldn’t, wouldn’t or cared about seeing this phenomenon from another perspective. Most people also believed that the earth was flat, so it wouldn't rotate at all.
Eventually scientists discovered evidence that lead them to create a new hypothesis, which led to a new reality, that as we know today the sun is relatively fixed, as are the stars, and that it’s the earth that rotates.
When we start this internal search for the truth of our relationships can you keep this in mind and be open to seeing them in a new light? With new possibilities?
Because you're going to find that different parts of you have different beliefs about not just relationships, but other important aspects of your life as well.
In previous episodes we discussed how your Guardian is the voice of your subconscious mind which often is programmed to see relationships from a different perspective. Creating different inner beliefs.
Often these beliefs could be that relationships can't be trusted. Or that they just won’t work for you. In reality, there are many possibilities, but we are concerned about the negative beliefs. While the healthier part of you is wanting that passionate, fulfilling relationship. It believes you deserve them, that they are possible. These are the beliefs of a healthy part of your mind.
These are the two alternate beliefs that sometimes war within your mind and create the cognitive beliefs that can drive you crazy with self-doubt and inner conflict.
As we begin to explore relationships, we have to be aware that yes, you have within you different parts, different beliefs, different behaviors.
To observe this yourself, watch how information coming into your senses is or can be interpreted in two different ways.
Your partner might say something about how they aren’t happy. One part of you thinks, “Uh Oh, danger!”, and it triggers your fight, flight or freeze mentality. Maybe they said they want to deepen the relationship and this causes a warning flag from that part of you that has a fear of the pitfalls of relationships. Maybe you don’t trust being vulnerable because in the past being vulnerable didn’t work and caused you to be hurt or abandoned.
Upon hearing your partner's saying they want to deepen the relationship that part of your subconscious mind reacts out of fear. While another healthier part of you reacts with joy and expectation. It's exactly what the healthier you want to see happen. It's what you agree needs to happen to take the relationship to the next level.
Maybe you're already in a relationship and you hear your partner say something like, “We need to make some changes to spice up the relationship,” or that, “I’m just not happy”. While your Guardian might react by thinking, “Oh, see, they want to leave. I'm not good enough.” Or perhaps it lashes out with anger, claiming it’s your partners fault.
This resistant part of you reacts in so many different ways. None of which are helpful to the original problem of your partner, which was that something needs to happen to deepen or save the relationship.
The healthy you either is excited about these changes or is ready to also work on having a better relationship, happy to take this step forward.
Are you aware of these reactions within you? How different parts of you will have different reactions and responses to your partner?
Now, you may be thinking, “What am I supposed to do? I'm not even aware of this inner conflict. How can I be sure I'm making the right choices?”
This is a great place to begin. To first just understand that yes, you could have at least two different parts within you that have different beliefs and behaviors in certain areas. Those beliefs and behaviors sometimes are in conflict.
Perhaps you have a healthier subconscious mind. As we discussed in previous episodes, in many areas of your life you have no problem at all. You are healthy. What you experience is your healthy self with no resistance to moving forward. You want to open up and deepen your relationship, embrace vulnerability, are aware of old issues and move forward despite them.
Great. But most of us have inner conflict that cause problems in our relationships. This is the first important step, having self-awareness of two very different parts of you that have different beliefs, motivations and desires. What are your beliefs about relationships? Which are dominant?
Just take a few moments and reflect upon what you believe. Be aware if a negative part of you overrides your positive beliefs about relationships.
Yes, different parts of you have different reactions, different responses. This is perfectly normal and natural. Maybe one part of you gets excited about a new relationship while another feels it is absolutely the worst thing you could do. Or perhaps you find yourself being drawn into the same old unhealthy patterns of behavior. A part of you knew it would be a disaster, but you did it anyway.
Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's the reason you should be in this relationship.
It could be that you have a wounded part that feels suffering is normal, is natural, is what you deserve. You were programmed while growing up to feel that challenging relationships were what felt comfortable for you.
We cannot go just on what feels good. What is important is to learn from this experience. To learn about yourself.
This co-dependent sizzle draws you into difficult relationships when wounded parts of you feel like they have found their soul mate. More correctly they are your wound mates.
This excitement, this sizzle, this energy is like a drug, overcoming what the healthy part of you wants. It is focused only upon pleasure and excitement.
But in this case, it's not healthy for you, even though you feel like finally, you have found that person who is going to give you everything you’ve ever wanted. To fulfill you. To complete you.
It's not a healthy way of thinking or feeling that unfortunately leads you to unhappiness and disappointment. Now I know in previous episodes, we've said that there are no mistakes in who we draw. No failures, and that's certainly true. Co-dependent relationships are not failures, because they are meant to show you what you have drawn to you, which is exactly what you need to heal, because it’s not where you want to remain. Wake up, see what’s real, learn, grow and move on.
When we talk more about the deeper practical spirituality issues, we discuss a basic principle about accepting “what is” versus always trying to go for “what should be”. You are going to find that you use or hear others say, “what should be” way too often. “I should be happy, they should be nicer, he should be smarter than that, she should be ashamed of herself,” and more.
I suggest that a better way to respond is perceiving reality without overreacting emotionally. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with emotions. They inspire us, lead us to our passion, but letting emotions alone dictate your actions can lead to disaster.
The emotionally wounded parts of you makes bad choices based upon self-doubts and fears and often draw us into difficult relationships.
We make bad choices based upon wounded issues. Emotions have to be tied with intelligence. With the healthy, analytical part of you. Together, they make up wisdom, for thoughts and feelings, emotions and intellect go together.
If you just act with the analytical parts of you without a healthy emotional balance of kindness and love it can be just as disastrous. We can’t be just looking for pleasure, and we don’t want to suffer. We're looking for understanding and seeing it from the deeper perspective.
With your two different inner realities, you begin to go into it to discover your own inner wisdom. Use your intellect and emotions, for the two together integrate and become your inner wisdom, which allows you to reflect upon your own inner programming.
Perhaps you have seen a therapist, which can be a useful step in understanding yourself and your issues. Now, you might have heard in previous episodes where I talk about the importance of moving on and not getting caught in the past, which is absolutely true. It still is useful to first understand what experiences created your issues, and there are many wonderful therapists and counselors out there that will help you to get clear about this issue.
Then it’s time to move on and not get stuck in the past or get tied into the old behaviors. Can you take a few moments and look back upon your life?
Imagine the things that could have affected the young, vulnerable child within you. What were your earlier experiences? We also discussed genetic propensities, the nature versus nurture idea.
You might have genetically been born happier and optimistic or sad and pessimistic. Some of you are going to be happier and more well-adjusted than others. For right now, just understand that early programming is determined by your parents, your siblings and by your many other experiences. As a young child, you come out open, loving, creative and vulnerable. Feeling free. And then soon you might have encountered some hurts or challenges and begin to change.
Your subconscious is always trying to develop a way to understand reality, and it will continue to adapt to situations the best it can and create a slightly different part of you which might not be quite so open and vulnerable.
And you begin to move into the older child phase where there’s more socialization. You realize you're not the center of the universe. There are other beings like you, other kids. Maybe your own siblings, maybe friends.
Begin to learn what's like to share to trust. Are you equal to them? Are you better than are you worse than them? What's the belief you established about yourself? Are you an older child or from a larger family?
It all had a significant impact upon you and made you unique.
And then you move into the teenage years. There are issues there as well. Sexuality. Deeper friendships. The shaming that can occur on so many levels. You know what happens in teenage years. I tell my clients, “Just look at your graduating high school class. How many of your fellow classmates were able to be their true, loving, open, vulnerable authentic selves? Probably zero. All of us are affected in some way, shape or form by those 1st 16 years of our life when we were suggestible.
By 16 we fully develop the analytical mind. At that time, we want to go off and have this great happy life with wonderful relationships, but we've already been programmed by 16 years of both positive and negative aspects, but a lot of it is crap. And despite the energy of your teenage self, usually in your 20’s responsibility sets in. Typically, it's in the mid-twenties. You get a job, maybe get married. You settle down. The old programming reasserts control over you and the old programming sets in with your inner beliefs and behaviors.
And if you're not careful, the conditioned, controlling part of you that I call the Guardian overcomes that joyous, happy teenage part of you. If you aren’t careful you won’t have a happy life. You will be at risk to depression which leads to anxiety and into the wrong relationships.
What’s important is to know you have different parts within you, and that part has been programmed negatively in many areas and will affect your relationships. From this place you will try to find someone that will complete you. Someone that will give you that joy, that happiness that you desire. To feel safe and secure.
It is essential that you no longer need anyone to make you feel good about yourself. That healthy individuals have healthy relationships. We don't want to draw to us someone just because we think that someone will complete us.
We will draw to us someone who will feel opposite us in some way. To give us what we need to feel whole, complete. In the past our culture reflected the fact that men were more in charge and in control. Women would tend to draw men to them because their position was not one of strength. They were not weak, but they would draw a powerful man to feel complete. Men, who naturally lacked emotional connection, would draw women to give men what they need.
Drawing someone with the energy of opposites attract will lead to difficult challenges. We can’t absorb another person's emotional or controlling nature.
And when that doesn't work, we begin to get disappointed. We begin to feel like we're not heard, not understood, because you're not. You went looking for someone who would complete you would give you what they had, but far too often this leads to divorce.
As we talked about last episode, the healthy way to proceed is to understand yourself and your inner beliefs. You can still be in the relationship with someone with opposite energy and enjoy it, knowing that your goal isn’t to be with another person to make you feel better.
Women regain their inner power and men regain their emotional nature. You don't lose your original nature; you create a healthy balance. The idea is to bring into your relationships a more self-aware state. In the beginning of your inner growth work, you will draw to you what you need to heal and that person will have issues and problems.
But when you see this from a new perspective everything becomes clear.
Like looking at the stars and the sun in a new way, you no longer see your relationships as having to complete you but instead as opportunities for both of your inner growth.
Please take a few moments and reflect upon your current or last relationship. See them in this new light. That’s the purpose of these episodes - to help you see things from a slightly different perspective.
And this is not my perspective. It's just a more recent discovery made by others that I happen to have discovered myself. All I ask is that you consider these words and see if they make sense to you.
Please remember that there is nothing wrong with you at your core. That you will naturally draw to you the relationship you need to heal and finally experience fulfillment and abundance. Your relationship right now or the future one might be for this reason, for a season, or for a lifetime, but it will be dependent upon your own unique path for inner growth.
I hope this episode inspires you to see your life for what it really is, an amazing journey leading you to inner health and self-awareness, which in turn brings you to an inner peace and joy that comes from living your life in the now.