Maybe you're still looking for that special relationship. Hoping that person will soon appear. Wondering why they're not here now.
Maybe you're already in a relationship. And something just doesn’t feel right. Maybe you think it’s the other person's fault.
Is it possible that something is keeping you from opening up and trusting that it will work out fine? There could be many issues because relationships bring out the best and worst in us. We're going to explore some of these possibilities and what could be holding you back.
It's always good to start at the beginning to understand what the issue really is. Sometimes its knowing that there even is an issue. So how do we begin this exploration? As a scientist I was taught to use aspects of the scientific method. One of the main foundations of the scientific method is to not let your emotions or preconceived notions dictate how you explore or interpret what you find. Otherwise the results are already tainted and we will not find the truth.
Is it possible to even do that when examining our relationships? To proceed with such care and determination so that we can come out with a clear understanding of how to proceed?
As human beings we have to be aware that we all have preconceived notions. So, as we move forward, we will have to be very watchful of this. One of the main barriers is that we will have to contend with cognitive distance. We have to be okay with that. Or to put it more plainly cognitive is thinking and dissonance means conflict, which means you will discover that you might have two alternatives beliefs within you that are in disagreement, where you aren’t quite sure which one is correct, but you have to be able to hold both realities within you in order to devise a theory, your idea about what could be true. Which one seems accurate.
Remember in school you heard how most people used to believe that our earth was the center of the universe?
It’s easy to understand why they felt that way. Today when you look up in the sky, what do you see? You see the sun circling overhead as it rises in the east, moves across the sky, and sets in the west. How the stars do the same thing. Every day and night.
In the past, what would you believe when you saw everything overhead rotating across the sky? Naturally that the we are in the center of the universe. That was an observational fact. The problem is you just couldn’t, wouldn’t or cared about seeing this phenomenon from another perspective. Most people also believed that the earth was flat, so it wouldn't rotate at all.
Eventually scientists discovered evidence that lead them to create a new hypothesis, which led to a new reality, that as we know today the sun is relatively fixed, as are the stars, and that it’s the earth that rotates.
When we start this internal search for the truth of our relationships can you keep this in mind and be open to seeing them in a new light? With new possibilities?
Because you're going to find that different parts of you have different beliefs about not just relationships, but other important aspects of your life as well.
In previous episodes we discussed how your Guardian is the voice of your subconscious mind which often is programmed to see relationships from a different perspective. Creating different inner beliefs.
Often these beliefs could be that relationships can't be trusted. Or that they just won’t work for you. In reality, there are many possibilities, but we are concerned about the negative beliefs. While the healthier part of you is wanting that passionate, fulfilling relationship. It believes you deserve them, that they are possible. These are the beliefs of a healthy part of your mind.
These are the two alternate beliefs that sometimes war within your mind and create the cognitive beliefs that can drive you crazy with self-doubt and inner conflict.
As we begin to explore relationships, we have to be aware that yes, you have within you different parts, different beliefs, different behaviors.
To observe this yourself, watch how information coming into your senses is or can be interpreted in two different ways.
Your partner might say something about how they aren’t happy. One part of you thinks, “Uh Oh, danger!”, and it triggers your fight, flight or freeze mentality. Maybe they said they want to deepen the relationship and this causes a warning flag from that part of you that has a fear of the pitfalls of relationships. Maybe you don’t trust being vulnerable because in the past being vulnerable didn’t work and caused you to be hurt or abandoned.
Upon hearing your partner's saying they want to deepen the relationship that part of your subconscious mind reacts out of fear. While another healthier part of you reacts with joy and expectation. It's exactly what the healthier you want to see happen. It's what you agree needs to happen to take the relationship to the next level.
Maybe you're already in a relationship and you hear your partner say something like, “We need to make some changes to spice up the relationship,” or that, “I’m just not happy”. While your Guardian might react by thinking, “Oh, see, they want to leave. I'm not good enough.” Or perhaps it lashes out with anger, claiming it’s your partners fault.
This resistant part of you reacts in so many different ways. None of which are helpful to the original problem of your partner, which was that something needs to happen to deepen or save the relationship.
The healthy you either is excited about these changes or is ready to also work on having a better relationship, happy to take this step forward.
Are you aware of these reactions within you? How different parts of you will have different reactions and responses to your partner?
Now, you may be thinking, “What am I supposed to do? I'm not even aware of this inner conflict. How can I be sure I'm making the right choices?”
This is a great place to begin. To first just understand that yes, you could have at least two different parts within you that have different beliefs and behaviors in certain areas. Those beliefs and behaviors sometimes are in conflict.
Perhaps you have a healthier subconscious mind. As we discussed in previous episodes, in many areas of your life you have no problem at all. You are healthy. What you experience is your healthy self with no resistance to moving forward. You want to open up and deepen your relationship, embrace vulnerability, are aware of old issues and move forward despite them.
Great. But most of us have inner conflict that cause problems in our relationships. This is the first important step, having self-awareness of two very different parts of you that have different beliefs, motivations and desires. What are your beliefs about relationships? Which are dominant?
Just take a few moments and reflect upon what you believe. Be aware if a negative part of you overrides your positive beliefs about relationships.
Yes, different parts of you have different reactions, different responses. This is perfectly normal and natural. Maybe one part of you gets excited about a new relationship while another feels it is absolutely the worst thing you could do. Or perhaps you find yourself being drawn into the same old unhealthy patterns of behavior. A part of you knew it would be a disaster, but you did it anyway.
Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's the reason you should be in this relationship.
It could be that you have a wounded part that feels suffering is normal, is natural, is what you deserve. You were programmed while growing up to feel that challenging relationships were what felt comfortable for you.
We cannot go just on what feels good. What is important is to learn from this experience. To learn about yourself.
This co-dependent sizzle draws you into difficult relationships when wounded parts of you feel like they have found their soul mate. More correctly they are your wound mates.
This excitement, this sizzle, this energy is like a drug, overcoming what the healthy part of you wants. It is focused only upon pleasure and excitement.
But in this case, it's not healthy for you, even though you feel like finally, you have found that person who is going to give you everything you’ve ever wanted. To fulfill you. To complete you.